I’ve never said Mark’s name too much before because I was angry but now every time I say it I can feel his presence. Some nights I lie in bed and could swear I can smell his leather baseball glove. We shared many experiences and memories, bedrooms and chores and family celebrations. We stuck up for and fought one another. We grew up together, sharing many things until death severed our connection.

I have learned that to the normal, suicide is such an irrational, incomprehensible, senseless act that it is hard to believe that someone I loved could have done this. You know that old time movie It’s a Wonderful Life. Jimmy Stewart sees how life would have been if he had never been born. I often wonder that if an angel could have showed Mark his viewing, attended by over 350 people, and the aftermath of his decision, that he would never have done this to himself and his family.

I don’t harbor any guilt in what my brother did, but I do wish there had been something I could have done to ease his pain or to help him get the help he needed. I realize now that nothing I did, or really, nothing that anyone did would have changed his mind. Mark’s pain was so deep that he decided this was his only option to stop the pain.

I’ve done a lot of reading on sibling suicide Jan and there are two books I would highly recommend:

Do They Have Bad Days in Heaven? – Surviving the Loss of a Sibling by Michelle Linn-Gust

An Empty Chair – Living in the Wake of a Sibling’s Suicide by Sara Swan Miller

They say that survivors receive some type of “gift.” I’m still waiting for the gift from losing Mark. I hope you find your gift Jan