During the 23 years that i have lived with pd, i have kept many many journals. i actually gathered these together and went through them the other day. the thoughts i read ranged from fear to denial to anger to apathy to justification to depression to acceptance to hope. these thoughts have looped through a continual cycle which never has exhausted because of the progression of the disease. each time a level plateued, I had come to a point where I thought I knew where i was in this walk with pd, and life seemed to reach a balance. then the next stage began to show me that no, it was not time to become comfortable yet. the same thoughts returned and carried me through the next cycle.. then the next..the next.. for 23 years.

It has been an adventure full of experiences of learning the valuable lessons of self-awareness, gratitude and the most important one of all.. humility. Each hard down I have stings. The struggle to maintain any kind of composure during these moments is brutally difficult when I cannot move, speak, barely breathe, or escape the horrid pain. I cannot look at dignity as an important issue in my life while the total lack of balance sends me careening down hallways, slamming into walls, or sprawling on the floor. the slap of pd hurts like hell now, but I have learned that the hard moments are temporary and they do go away eventually. Then I can concentrate on what truly is important. Each journal entry after a difficult pd episode reflects this change of spirit. This makes me realize something very important. I have not wasted these 23 years. I have learned how to become a survivor.

I will be 50 years old next week. In 2 years, I will have had pd for half of my life. At this point, I don’t remember what is was like before the symptoms, meds and their side effects, docs and their opinions, or all my questions. I have a lot to read to remind me of my journey after it began. But, in retrospect, I believe I was not even in training for the important issues of life and didn’t have the need to jot down my insight to lessons that life was teaching me. Hhhhmmmm…

So, on my birthday, I plan on celebrating. With a german chocolate cake, French vanilla ice cream, holding my new grandchild, letting my loved ones jeer me with all of the ‘half-century” remarks, and then I will open a new journal. And write.