Nohope, it seems we are in a similiar place......I too have just been lurking. It hurts too much, it is overwhelming. I feel as you do, nothing will ever be the same, but more so, nothing will ever be ok again.

I know, I know....time.....to grieve, to heal.....someday.....it will be less painful, it wont be so consuming. It's not that I don't believe the words. Its that I don't know how to survive the now until then.

As for your daughters, my lil niece and nephew are as close as I will ever get to having children of my own. I couldn't love them more if they were. They live here with me, so I know what you mean about needing a break..a safe place to rant away from them. School will be out soon, so the days will no longer be a safe place to break down.

Unlike you, i do have family here. It isn't the same without Dad, but I now make sure they all know just how special they are to me. I always expressed love, now I feel a need to just make it clearer. I worry about you being so far from your family. I was wondering if you concidered moving to be closer to them? Maybe a fresh start somewhere new would be helpful to you and your children.

If that isn't possible, maybe you get someone you trust to watch them for awhile, maybe you could go on a mini retreat, somewhere you can try to let go freely. I know how hard it is, I don't know what else to say either.......just keep swimming I guess