When I started this thread yesterday, I WAS in pretty BAD shape. Today was a little better. Those TERRIBLE days come, usually when I have done too much physically the day before. I just don't have the energy I used to or the strength. I did today what I Couldn't DO yesterday because I just didn't have the physical strength to. I did what Needed doing today, 2 sinksful of dishes, a little vacuuming around my desk but I still haven't cleaned up the Damned laundry all over the place, maybe toninght I will just say "I'll give it 15 minutes of sorting and folding and putting stuff when it needs to be. I think that'd at Least make a dent in the Avalanche. I will give it a whole hearted effort tonight.

I get so tired and I can't sleep. I just lay there until 4 or 5 and see it start to get light out. I then fall asleep. I have only EVER lost a night's sleep once and I was so dizzy the next day I was falling down all over the place. That was when my daughter was an infant. I think it is the Epilepsy. I was only diagnosed with it about 10 years ago. I KNEW something wasn't right, I mean, in my head. Visual distubances, audio distubances, balance problems, dizziness. I have Always been like this even as a kid.

Going out around people in crowds as in church is not an option. I get sick easily and stay sick for months. I have a Terrible immune system. I HAVE tried over and over and over again but each time I got sick it got worse and worse. Two years ago it almost killed me. I can be with a one or two people at a time and they CAN'T be sick or I catch it. Please don't try to tell me to keep doing that. At this point in my life I think I KNOW what happens to me when I go out around crowds. It has been a life long problem. I remember my mother yelling at me because I was sick and my husband making me fell guilty everytime I got sick. This trickled down to my daughter too. I have always been sickly. It's terrible not being able to breathe and having someone yelling at you while you are coughing up blood. I think I have had the Worst people in my life. I said that to my sister once and she got mad. I told her I had the Wrong family. I was the baby and no one was there for me. Everyone was off doing their own thing. I do believe I was just a throw away child. Now I am just a throw away grown up.

I am not sad about this revelation. I just wish I could have understood all this a long time ago and not been so understanding of others Always putting me last. I have never been a demanding person, I just wanted what was rightfully mine and never got it. I feel very cheated. I don't hurt anymore about it. I think my heart is finally grown calloused but I still DO Love my animals. They were always there when no human was. Maybe I need a new pet. I just lost one a few weeks ago, he died but I still have his mate, a female iguana, that I Love dearly. I can talk to her about this problem but I don't get any answers. BUT she is a Very Good Listener.