Actually just talking about all this with you wonderful, sensitive people IS helping me feel SO much better.

Unless YOU have actually experienced the "Going out to be with people then getting SICK for MONTHS because of it" Syndrome, you really can't understand the total feeling of Hopelessness. I used to have a lot of friends as a teen but my Mother interfered with everyone of them and I lost all my friends. Friends I should be able to have contact NOW with but I have No idea where they are anyway. But that ship has sailed. I think about how I would like to go to a museum or live theatre or a Festival but first off I don't like going alone and second I don't KNOW anyone who would go with me and third, I'd Probably end up sick and is it worth it? Kind of a Dead End, isn't it?

Yes, I know what you mean about just keeping up with what needs doing in the house is such a chore sometimes, no MOST of the time. It's just OLD. I've done everything THOUSANDS of times already, it has JUST lost it's charm. Pleasure from just doing simple things is eluding me these days.

I also had a sister but she was 13 years older than me and she left home when I was 5 so I really have no memory of her and I as siblings. My Mother had 7 pregnacies but only 4 children, me being the last one born but she was TIRED and Worn out by then and really sort of pawned me off to neighbors and friends most of the time. She worked and travelled a lot so I hardly ever saw her. I don't remember any "Tender" times with her. I think I was just in her way and a bother. she didn't want me. she SAID she did but her actions told me otherwise. Yet when I had My daughter she was right there for HER. Which upset me tremendously to see her doing things for her that she never did for me and pushing me aside during the whole thing. My mother was NOT very nice to me at all. I will NEVER get over it either.