nature of this post:

I just posted this in a thread in the Depression Forum, where ppl are also not well. I felt sort of awkward posting this here - kinda like raining on a picnic? Well then i felt stupid feeling awkward, since i feel awkward a lot lately, and arbitrarily, so here I am.

Some of you may recall I was terribly depressed between feb and june... then ok for a bit... and (i was hoping for a little hypmania but...) now i am down again. It is partly (i THINK) a sort of slow convalescence from the depression, but now, i also have a ton of stressors in my life. i am moving, for one, and after almost a year of "rest" due to physical problems... i am so out of shape i get exhausted so fast.

The necessity for the move is a marker of "failure" to maintain myself, which feels horrid. i also had a break up recently, which feels horrid. i also had someone tell me awful things lately, which felt horrid. i have sudden lapses into terrible thoughts. so i occasionally and unpredictably have to curl up in fetal position and cry helplessly as i feel a huge painful void inside that sucks me in.

~ waves ~