I wonder if Alfie knows you're never to old for a pink camera?

I wonder if you all know how much I have missed you all every day!!!!!

Work is finally in a new routine for now any ways.

Its a heat wave and my MS sx are going batty but work is air conditioned so that helps .

Life at home is rough but I keep hoping it will get better.

I wonder if my husband will ever let himself realy be happy for any length of time?

Will he let go of my first husbands suicide and realize that there really was nothing any one could do to fix him? He didn't want help he wanted out.

He knew he didn't want to get old, he told me so many times but being young I didn't realize how deep his fears went.

Will my husband realize that it didn't matter whether I left my 1st husband or not he was looking for a reason to end his life and even if I had stayed he still would have found a reason.

Will he realize that I left my 1st husband for me, I couldn't stay anymore I couldn't coninue to perpetuate the cycle, I couldn't continue to be a victim. I couldn't fix some one who didn't want to be fixed.

If I had waited longer to start dating my husband would he have been less affected by my 1st husbands suicide? I left Sam before I stated dating him, I didn't even realize I wanted to date him till after I left Sam but maybe I should have waited maybe it was too soon. Maybe if I had waited he wouldn't have been so swept up in the aftermath.

I wonder if you all will forgive me maybe this isn't the thread for my darkness.

I din't even realize I had that welling up till I started typing.....

I miss talking to people, feeling connected...

I wonder how my daughter can be so happy and have such a sunny out look with all the clouds in our home.

I wonder how such a beautiful child could come from me and at least I'm getting that right.

I missed you all so much!!!