thankz Bizi.

I really needed your kind words.

It is so hard not being able to talk to anyone... those to whom i could talk are too close - i have learned to avoid telling them "everything" because they either go into a frenzy of guilt-grief-anxiety-pressure (parents), other ppl just shut down and can't take it. one friend hung up on me when i was in a mixed state bad... 15 mg of zyprexa and 3 hours later i was still screaming crying running around, on two phones simultaneously and rummagine cupboards.... the guy on the one phone, whom i had called to come over, hung up. really, if he wasn't gonig to come here, he should have called 911. but he was just overwhelmed. he shut down and ran for his sanity.

Recently there is so much - some of the awful things said were directly painful, others indirectly - led me to think of a variety of things, choices i may not have any more - big ones. brought back a lot of heavy stuff. brought up my emotional "innards" with it.

my last few sessions with my pdoc-therapist i began wondering if some of these issues i need a different sort of therapist. Like an emotional therapist? Somebody who can sit and listen to pain and help me understand/cope with it, if not overcome it. Also some of the issues are female-oriented and ... well i just don't think a man could get it. But he will be back from vacation next week, and at least i'll be able to have someone as a paid and trained sounding board lol.

i also need to verify my meds. last week i got so bad i upped my Zoloft from 100 to 150. (loaded plasma level by taking 200 the first day). Pdoc trusts me to manage the Zoloft well, but I always always let him know asap when/why i make any changes, in case he has a differing opinion.

thanks again Bizi. I tried to be real vague. tried to avoid the overwhelm.

((( hugs )))

~ waves ~