I go to my new Epileptologist tomorrow and I'm so nervous. After having more 'bad' doctors than good, I can't get my hopes up and in a way, I am prepared for a let down. I know that's such a bad way to look at things, too.

I think I am mostly nervous because I know she's my last hope. I keep getting moved around because no-one can 'fix' me or even control my seizures at all. I'd like to think they can offer something to repair or control everything in my temporal lobe, but I know that there isn't much hope for me regarding my parietal lobe - and that has really bummed me out.

I looked at the success rate for non-tumoral parietal lobe surgery and it's around 20%. That's not a very good number for me. Not considering the risks are much higher, I don't want to end up with a severe impairment and/or blind when I only have a 20% risk of not having these parietal lobe seizures. It's like having to accept I'm stuck with them, and that stinks!

I try to keep my hopes high about my RTL, but honestly, I can deal with those seizures. It's the ones that are hard to fix that I can't deal with because they hurt bad.

I have everything I want to say written down. I have a strategy this time.

I plan to ask her right away not to talk, ask her how much time I have (I've accepted I am a 10-20 minute time slot to all doctors). If I have 15 minutes, I should be ok. I can read everything I need to say in around 12 minutes which leaves me 3 minutes to ask her if she really has the time to treat me like a human and make a real true effort to help me.

From what I heard, she's the best Epileptologist in this area.

Wish me luck!