I hate that it is so conflicting for you...I hate that there SEEMS to be no answers...(but there really is...but each one of us, it is uniquely different)

I hope you take all the time you need to sort out your grief, your anger, and I know you will have that greatest gift of all, love, behind it all while you sort things out...

and I know that you know that you can count on the wonderful folks here to be here for you if you ever need them...