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Senior Member
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 1,194
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Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 1,194
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I can't help myself by wondering over and over how it got to THAT point? I like to call it "the point of no return". The point where they make up their mind that they are going to do it, and that's that. But, they haven't done it yet, and they are still pretending they are okay. That is what frightens me the most. The day before his graduation, I gave him his present. We went to Yankee Stadium several weeks before and I bought him a Ron Guidry t-shirt. Ron Guidry was his favorite Yankee and he always said that he'd be the next Ron Guidry when he got to the big leagues. He started crying, something he NEVER did, and he said "BJ, whatever happens, I want you to stay in school, and find something you really like to do and achieve your dreams. You're so smart, and you're such a great sister". I want to slap myself over and over and over when I think of that moment because I think he was at the point of no return but I didn't notice it, none of us noticed it.
Mark was the happiest person. He had so many friends and was one of the most popular players on his team. He never burdened mom and dad with anything while he was alive, and he left us with the biggest burden now that he is dead. I'm trying to remember him for the happy person he was, but it's almost impossible to do that, because I don't know how long he was pretending to be happy. I don't know when everything went downhill. When I think of happy memories, all I think of is how he had his mind made up and all of his motions were just an act. And I have so much trouble dealing with his death, even accepting it, because we didn't see it coming at all. I heard my mom talking to my dad over and over and saying we should have known something was wrong, we let him down.
I did buy that CD Alffe and thank you for suggesting it.  The lyrics that stick in my head are:
Every thought of you is painful
Every choice seems half a lie
Every memory a reminder
You didn't have to die
Sometimes it's hard to blame you
You were desperate for some peace
But your death is an indictment
And for me there's no release
You didn't have to die Mark.
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Cats nap, only humans put them "to sleep". Sterilize, don't euthanize!!
BJ
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