I can understand why you can't forgive, yet...it takes time...for some, not months, not just years...but MANY years...it is a self-work in progress...the forgiveness isn't about Mark or anyone's to do nor work on. It is YOURS to work on. And you'll forgive in your own time. (((Hugs)))

understanding suicide....hmmmm...IF anyone can truly understand it, I don't think anyone would be here in this them forum...even for those of us that want to do "it"...

I question why the urge would be so strong some days and why I CAN'T fight them myself, some days...so I wish I have the answer for you or anyone, unfortunately, I don't...

Did you know Spanish Moss, Lara, and a deceased member (Tam) saved my life many years ago??

The day before they intervened (They didn't tell me til years later), I went bowling...I bowled the BEST game I ever did in my whole life, I was having fun with my league mates, if I'd gotten through with doing it that night and the police would've interviewed anyone that'd seen me that day, they'd say, "I'd swear there was NOTHING wrong with him!"

I was laughing, smiling, joking, but deep inside, I was dying...trying to enjoy my last moments on earth...

so, of course, thanks to the intervention, I didn't get to do anything...I was angry at first, but so grateful afterwards...that was the last time that I actually TRIED anything...it's only been urges since then...

but I look back sometimes, at why was I laughing, joking, smiling, bowling, and went out that day instead of just doing it as soon as I woke up?

I can't tell you why, I can tell you this, it was blurry the whole day, I didn't even remember what I did most of the day...

I think there is a mental blockage when it comes time...

Sorry for wanting to get into this...

I guess coming to this forum, we are all looking for some sort of answers, some sort of consolations, and some sort of release...

as my wife, Spanish moss has said, her brother killed himself and few years later, her first husband, chose the same that her brother killed himself to take his own life...

what were going through their minds???

If you can't go to the crisis center and you need to crisis yourself, please stay with us...

I can understand SI, I used to SI...it's a release, and I can see when even SI doesn't work anymore, you have NO MORE outlet to go. You are like a steaming pot that has the lid locked, and you are ready to blow, and all the SI you can do is NOT creating a HOLE for you to vent...

but think about your brother for a sec, think about how he had hurt you, your parents, and others that care about him...

you don't want to do that to your parents...you are right, you need to stick around, not just for your cute dog, for your parents...

but for yourself as well...

the hurt will go away...even if it is just temporary...nobody is ever happy all the time, nobody is ever hurting all the time, and you WILL come out of it...

because you are a STRONG, WONDERFUL, SPECIAL person, and you've found a bunch of STRONG, WONDERFUL, SPECIAL people in this here them forum...

Abbie is there struggling with you, and she is your emergency buddy RIGHT NOW...don't abandon her....

and then there are those that truly care about you...don't abandon them...

but you are right, suicide IS a selfish act....if you ever get to THAT point...

nobody, but YOU can stop you...and if YOU can't stop you...

think about Mark again...what would you say to him to STOP him...please say those to yourself...

stick around ,kiddo...stick around...

check in to a crisis center if you need to...I know it's a hassle...but it is a worthwhile hassle...but if you absolutely don't want to...

READ HERE...SIT ON YOUR HANDS...

the URGE...will pass........(yes, it might come back again, but we'll deal with it again another time...)

(((((BIG HUGS)))))

( I was coming back to edit but I decided to leave this post completely raw...it is my raw emotions cause I CARE about you...we ALL do...)