My passion used to be people and supporting great leaders in helping people in need. I'm stuck alone in my bedroom now, and my illness makes it difficult to go outside. I'm also losing the use of my arms and legs, can't stand or sit for very long periods of time, and I'm losing my eyesight. I only have a pinpoint of clear vision in the center of my field - the rest looks like a kaleidoscope.

My brain doesn't always work the way I want it to either. Sometimes I'm stuck for the longest time trying to figure out how to open a door. I look at the knob and know I have to use my arm, but I can't remember how to tell my arm to move or how to make my arm open the door. If anything disturbs me when I'm trying to figure out how to use my arm, I get flustered, my blood pressure drops, and I faint.

I tried joining a support group for amyloidosis, but I felt like a mascot for people to enjoy themselves. One meeting notice said "If you wake up Saturday morning and feel like hugging an "amyloidian," come to the meeting." I guess I've gone from human being to ragdoll. The meetings are too exhausting, I can't eat any of the food, and it's depressing to hear people get all excited about raising money that would never help any of the patients in the room.

I don't like watching TV or movies or listening to books on tape.

I'd jump in the lake if I could.

I'm at my wits end. Got any suggestions?