(((BJ))) Please don't sit in that garden as long as you did last year and get covered with mosquito bites.
I wish you would go and have that cut checked as well if it needs some stitches.
You don't need forgiveness for what you knew and know. I can't even imagine the number of 'secrets' that family members keep so as to not hurt someone else. You did it to protect them. Let that thought go from your already filled up thought processes because you deserve happiness. Please don't let it upset you anymore. They aren't upset, we aren't upset, and everyone knows why you did what you did.
Depression is so ugly and saps us of our will to do anything, including living.
I saw something Alffe posted to someone in Depression and want to share that with you...It was from a friend of her's from the Braintalk SOS days, before I ever showed up there. (I hope it's okay to share your post, Alffe.)
Quote:
I met a very wise man on another forum...he fought suicidal thoughts his entire life...died of old age but not before teaching a whole bunch of us how to redirect those thoughts. He truely understood that it's exhausting work but he'd tell you that you are worth the fight....and that's what you are in...a fight for your life.
His name was Pter and here are some of his words:
As to the thoughts, I will be the first to say they are exhausting and, as I have said previously, they tire us to a point where we honestly believe suicide is the only solution. It is not. BEFRIEND and TALK. These thoughts are a part of you, for better or worse. I believe strongly in a physiological connection with suicidal thoughts. Our fear of the thought stimulates a negative physiological reaction which appears to give the negative thoughts enhanced power over us. Step back for a moment and place yourself in an imaginary situation. You see a child running into a busy roadway...you run quickly to save this child from oncoming cars...feel the reaction rising in your body. The adrenaline pounding throughout your body and brain. Now the rescue is over, your alone, feel the exhaustion of your body and mind.
You are rescuing yourself daily, hourly, every few minutes. Each thought envokes a physiological reaction with the end result being exhaustion. Befriend this thought. Treat it as you would the child who ran into the pathway of cars. Hold it, talk to it, teach it that there is another way to walk the roads of life. Post it here and allow others to comfort it. Do not be ashamed of it. What is it really but a thought that wants attention. Understand now, I did not say a PERSON who wants attention but a THOUGHT that wants attention from that person. It is the fight against the thought that tires us and makes us vulnerable to enactment of the thought.
I cannot give you a reason to live. I can, however, take away your reason for dying. An untrained unaccepted thought is not justification for death.
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Love you BJ. Hugs.