Grieving is an intensely personal experience. Even when you are surrounded with loved ones, who may share the same loss, the aloneness is profound. No one else has the same attachment as you to that which is lost or leaving. No one else's connection, expectations or affections are the same as yours. The personal imprint of this loss is the hole it leaves in your life, and that hole - that emptiness - is not shaped like anyone else's. It is yours, and yours alone. That's why phrases like, "I know how you feel" can be so upsetting. And for good reason: No one does know "how you feel."

Yes, certain universal qualities make our losses similar, like brain function, human emotions, roles, behaviors and beliefs. And once we allow ourselves to share our grief with others, sometimes these similarities can be comforting. You notice that I said, "sometimes." There is no room in grief work for words like "always" or notions like "everyone must go through these stages," or "you should be over it by now."

But it is amazing how similar our feelings can be, and, when they are shared in safe, supportive relationshiips, knowing this can be a great comfort. It also seems we can accept comfort best from those who have walked through this lonely place that we call grieving and who are willing to reach back and take us by the hand, even if the price for so doing is to re-experience the pain of their own losses. The wonderful secret in this formula for healing is that both the comforter and the one in need of comforting experience the miracle of love and hope and yes, even joy in the midst of pain.

Mourning and Dancing A Memoir of Grief and Recovery by Sally Downham Miller, Ph.D