hi

again thanks, Bizi.

No female friends here that i see "regularly." as in weekly or whatever. I would like that. there is my sort-of-ex from whom i am now totally hiding my crappy feelings because for three years now, i put up with what i read as looks of pity, and i am just sick to the core of it.

people here just don't seem to have that "concept" of weekly get togethers. everything is like a major deal. they all "have a life."

one gal started coming for English conversation/dinner every tuesday... but there were more exceptions than rule. work travel one week, back 2, then holiday two weeks, back one week but parents with her, one week holiday, guest from work, away with her mom. i end up seeing her about 1ce a month average. and right now, no English... she has a "situation" and we have ended up just talking the past few times. she has gotten to where she runs in the door and is all set to go... i have to "tame her" until i get dinner on the table. then i can pay attention. last time when she left she actually thanked me for the "therapy session!" she is the most balanced person i can talk to, and can tell her anything, but she is also has a very rational "shell"... difficult to feel comfortable really ... you know. she has seen me down, but... she's a "problem solver" more than a listener, sounding board, comforter, etc.

the people i do talk to are all in the US. no face-time obviously. also, they seem to be allergic to phone. so we IM mostly. hardly any mail. gosh i so miss late nights at Denny's having their moonlight menu and too much coffee with my best friend, now married and safe in bed by 11.

he once gave me a fridge magnet that said: "a true friend is one that you can call up at 3 o'clock in the morning." it was reciprocally true at the time. times change. i still love him dearly but... he "has a life now" and i am happy for him, but it has been a loss for me which i'm over pretty much, but, just when i need that fridge magnet i remember it is now obsolete. i still have it.

i know about being comfortable with my own company. reminds me of that song Bad to the Bone (tho need not apply to drinking) - "when I drink alone, i prefer to be by myself." I have lived alone for yeaaars. it is expensive and now, for the second time, i have to give it up. i cherish solitude. i prefer it by miles and miles to feeling alone (lonely) in the company of those who can't deal with me. yes, i do get lonely. i sort of just "take it." i remind myself it would only be worse with others around.

i have so far not moved any art/music supplies, hoping for an artistic "fugue" but no such luck. this kind of active, painful depression can take me places in that sense. some dangerous but writing about it is a good valve. what your write, you don't do. unlike those grey thoughts gone feelings gone flat comatose depressions if you can call them that in all that indistinguishable nothingness.

i have to stop now coz i'm grying to much everything makes me cry even when people are kind because it is so touching i can't handle it isn't that weird?

Now i will try to distract myself. I will also look for a female therapist once moved. thanks for your feedback on that.

sorry for the long post. thank goodness i have to stop i guess.

hugs

~ waves ~