I am so sorry for your pain.

Anniversary dates of losses can be tough to deal with... for many years after losses.

I have found that if, on some anniversary date, I do not consciously recall a loss, my body will remember! I do not often forget anniversary dates, as I am "wired" to not forget dates (telephone numbers, etc.). However, I had forgotten a few times, over my lifetime, mostly when I had not felt up to the task of recalling for some reason. During these times, my body and my brain (on an emotional level) had remembered intensely.

We all deal with losses and the remembrances/recall of losses so differently, even though our emotions may be similar.

Losses I may have in common with siblings, for instance, are dealt with differently... by each of us. On the anniversary of a sibling's death (my brother's, for instance)... I might want to spend time with his children and will spend the time doing whatever they'd like to do, which is often recalling memories about their father, enjoying some time communing with them on a very deep and rewarding level (in my mind). Another sibling might wish to go out "partying," in order to try to "forget." Yet another sibling might suppress the memory/anniversary all together, but might have a horrible headache all day!

Neither way of handling/remembering is better than the other. It's just an illustration of how very differently we all handle remembering and how we do what we can to deal with the anniversaries.

(I can share that when/if family members start judging how we each spend time in remembrance of the loved one we have in common, this can start some very hard feelings between one another. I have found families do best just accepting each other's methods of coping, as long as nobody is getting hurt. I have also found some years I can cope much better than other years. This can depend upon how I feel about my life when the anniversary rolls around again!)

I was inwardly smiling when I'd read the part where you were able to remind your family of the anniversary of the loss of your father. Good for you!

I can certainly relate to how you were trying to show your family that you care about them by giving them some of the things they might like. We all aim to please those we love.

When you write you were feeling "overly generous in mood," I understand you to be referring to a possible mood swing? And later on... you had a very different feeling, as in "...the darkest of clouds descended over me."

We all often try to "distract ourselves" from feeling of sadness... in so many different ways. Returning home was kind of the end of the time of "distraction" for you? "Returning home" is often the marking of the end of the distraction from ourselves/our feelings for many of us. We remove ourselves from the many distractions of the world, by returning home and... often we actually feel we can "let down" because we are "home." ("Home sweet home.") Is not "home" where we feel more able to access and to feel and express our feelings?

I am glad you feel comfortable in your own home and can "let down." This is a blessing! (Not everyone feels comfortable enough to let down at home. Some "homes" do not support this in any way, shape or form.) I am glad you can be yourself, can ask for support and can heal at home!

You mention your bipolar diagnosis and you have also mentioned these two different moods; yet, David, I think you did a remarkable job of dealing with the day! I do not read anything about your mood that is particulary "bipolar" in nature. We all have mixed emotions and some "rocky" days when dealing with an anniversary of the loss of someone so very important to us! This is "normal!"

Thanks so very much for sharing your feelings, your account of how your day had gone, and also for sharing your insights! Your post is a gift unto us all!:grouphug:

Continue to take excellent care!

Wishing you inner peace and...joy.