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BJ · 06-22-2008, 06:54 PM

First I want to thank you all for talking me through it when I was so down. I was feeling so alone and didn't know where to turn. I'm sorry for putting you all through that.

I know I have a long way to go but it’s so hard when you’ve been through what I have. I spent 7 days there and I feel like I’m not any better off than I was. No I’m not suicidal now and all it did was get my Lithium up to a therapeutic level much quicker and wait it out until the thoughts went away. I don’t remember much but I didn’t take my lithium and that’s what sent me spiraling.

My pdoc never met me there like she promised so I had to talk to the on call psych and go through all the “Are you suicidal, do you have a plan?” They gave me 4 stitches in my arm, cleaned it up and started antibiotics because it was infected. After 6 hours of lying in the ER I finally got moved. They started giving me thora? something and Valium to bring me down. I don’t remember much of the next day at all.

But then reality set in where I was. I couldn’t sleep for fear of what might happen while I was sleeping. They make you shut off the lights, TV and close the doors at 11PM. And it’s just darkness with a complete stranger. They make you go to 3 group sessions a day which I can’t deal with but I had to go to get a “happy” point. What’s a happy point? It’s a little game I made up and you get a “happy” point for going to sessions, smiling, etc. That’s why it’s such a joke. I don’t do well in group settings and they know that so I just sat there. I felt like I was in that show I watch sometimes when I can’t sleep on Nick at Night, the Bob Newhart Show. The few times I did meet with a pdoc not much went on. He said I was like a China doll ready to break. He just would say how do you feel today and blah blah blah. I know I disassociated because I didn’t feel comfortable there at all. But apparently I accumulated enough happy points to come home. Now I start a “partial hospitalization” program as they call it and have to spend four hours a day in intensive group therapy.

I've always been a horrible decision maker, takes me forever to make a decision and almost always when I make it, I'll regret it soon afterward.

I wish I could finally make the decision that I will live, I will not commit suicide eventually like Mark did, not follow in his footsteps. I have to keep that decision to live locked and never waver from it. I need to pull myself up instead of just lingering as I have recently. Make some darn progress and if they can’t help me then say so and I’ll find someone who can. I mean, if I’m to kill myself eventually, what’s the point of working so hard and making progress now if it'll all be a waste? So I have to keep fighting it day in and day out and shake off those demons in my head.

I have decided one thing though and that’s I’m never ever going back there again. Something happened and I couldn’t say anything for fear of losing my happy points. I’m more traumatized now than before I went in but for fear of not being able to come home, I didn’t say anything because I was terrified to. Tomorrow I see my regular pdoc and I’m afraid to tell her for fear she won’t believe me. But I'm home with Hooper and can sleep in my own bed without any fears.