Alffe I’ve never read that book but maybe I should because it’s so hard to accept I’m bipolar. They have it at Amazon for $11.16 and I just ordered it. I thought when I was diagnosed I would take a pill and be all better. This isn’t what I expected at all.

Bizi I don’t remember now if I purposely didn’t take my meds or I just forgot. I was out of control and only had one thing on my mind. The last day I know I was psychotic because I saw my parents and Mark sitting in my yard.

I was hearing voices. They were against me. They kept saying I'm going to hell because God will not forgive someone like me. More than once, these voices have told me to hurt myself, and they almost succeeded, but I didn't do it. But these "voices" made sure to remind me that I'm so weak I can't even control my own life. They told me I didn't exist. If I don't exist then it doesn't matter because no one will ever notice. All things in life are bigger than me so why bother. That’s when I decided to go to the ER.

Doody I went to a new therapist but ended up leaving in tears. We started slow with the meet and greet talk and then she brought up Mark and I broke down so we didn’t go there. Then we chatted some more and the mood lightened and I felt comfortable. Then she hit me with the bombshell. She asked if she could talk to one of my other “selves”. I told her I don’t have any others but me and I walked out. My tdoc that fired me told me that I have dissociative amnesia, I block out the hurt of my past by going into my bubble where no one can hurt me, that's it, no other selves.

I didn’t mention what happened at the hospital and I didn’t mention to my pdoc how disappointed I was that she didn’t meet me. I’m so afraid she’ll make me go back. I just feel so violated and no amount of showers is taking it away. And in the group session I just sat in the corner, never said a word. It’s just a waste of time but I have to go. I'm just so disappointed with the system.