B.P. it is soooo good to see you post and share. You know the only thing one can really turely learn how to controll is...Themselfs. You arent to blame .
It might make it feel or seem like. . . if you were to blame thatd make things easier to accept or handle . You dont deserve to be treating yourself like that . You are a wonderful caring sweet brave strong person. I hope you search out some one on one therapy. and when you find it... it may take shifting threw a few people until you find one thats comfortable and has a strong background in the field. I did a zillion times better with one on one then group. and I think thats probly a good idea for you . stay on top of the meds and know that all of us here need you , care about you, love you and MISSYOU when you dont check in now and then.
I send many healing thoughts to you B.P.
PEACE
BMW