Hi Mari -

No, She asked my son to keep track of when his Mother was going out and leaving him to be in charge. She probably shouldn't have asked him to do that. When I was 6 and 7 my parents got divorced. It was very difficult, and since then any inter-familial tension has been EXTREMELY difficult for me. That event (phone call) plus the depression from the benzos, knocked me right back 35 years...

I've been seeing my PDoc much more frequently and for longer sessions. I am continuing to stay of the benzos. I'm taking a slightly higher dose of lithium.

I've been trying to do things like deep breathing. I had mentioned the Eckhart Tolle book and the idea of mindfulness... I've also been doing some research on the dialectical therapy you mentioned. I've been suffering from some minor but highly aggravating physical issues, but those seem to be improving. I'm taking a very different tack at work. I cut way back on my caffeine. I really need to start exercising again, but between the probation appointments, and therapy, and the doctors, and work its tough to fit much else in... or at least fit it in and have any time at home with my wife... i'm a bit on thin ice at work due to the absences and the mysterious hospitalization (I can only wonder what they are thinking about that...).

I guess that's the most I can do right now.

Spiritually I've been through many things. I was raised as a very conservative Protestant. I briefly belonged to a pentecostal church and did the whole salvation trip. I believe in God. I believe in Christ. I just don't believe in it the way anyone else does. I've come to love history, so when I read about how certain churches condoned slavery as a charitable act, or allowed conquerors in the Americas to savagely annihilate native people in the name of saving their souls and the holy church it kind of ****** me off. That's my problem with organized religion. I realize it gives many people peace. I just know too much and I can't ignore it. Conversely, I believe there are answers science can't explain. There are things in my life that are miracles to me - the fact that I can sit here and write this is one.

I was thinking about this on the subway today - like would God forgive me. And I thought about it and wondered if I was a good person. I figured that most people probably think they are good people. So I wondered what proof I had to warrant such an appraisal of my self. Ultimately what I feel, in the Christian (and also Buddhist sense depending on how you spin it) that this philosophy of earning your salvation is bunk. I want to believe that people are the sum of their parts - the genetics they inherited, the crap that was done to them, what lessons they learned from their parents, etc... so if you believe that, we are all good souls. Some of us just got the wrong combination of stuff. I really believe that.

Healing comes when we realized our true selves, our soul, are not these events and things... When we can separate that out and just be who we are, we are 'healed' or 'enlightened' or 'saved'. That's just how I feel it. I know that won't seem right for traditional believers. This process, while said to be so simple as just letting go, is really QUITE difficult...

And sometimes, regardless of the logic to what I said in the last paragraph, sometimes all that 'stuff' overtakes me. At that point, I'm over the edge and can't get back without help. Maybe that help is God.

When I say I wonder about the existance of god, it is in a rhetorical sense. Like where was God on 9/11. It doesn't really matter where God was. God as a fatherly figure who guards our every step makes no sense to me. God as an energy - God as the sum of all the matter in the universe - God as the creator and logic behind it all makes perfect sense. So when I said that I mean "how could a God who has his hand in all my business let this happen".

How can I take any offense? You've been nothing but supportive to me - and taking the time to respond means a lot to me.

It does help me to hear you say I am a good person and a good soul. I never felt such a powerful responsibility to be those things prior to this hospitalization.

Just a quick aside - I was in a Catholic hospital. My PDoc was Catholic. Most of the nurses were Catholic. I've never felt the same vibe in another hospital. It was really weird. They all treated me like I was a psychopath. I think they really believed that. All they wanted to hear about were the screwed up things I did between 2000 and 2002. They didn't want to hear about anything prior or since. All I can say is that it was weird - and the social workers leading the groups looked at me with this thing in their faces like there was no hope. The only good thing about that was it made me all the more resolved to prove I am not a sociopath.