I agree so much with what Mari has written. I have been going through a very bad stretch for a very long time. I tell myself I have to grin and bear it because i don't believe there is an exit.
I come from a very dysfunctional family where my father was much worse when he was sober than when he was drunk. I was in charge of him and that started when i was five. He was sick in bed for a year when i was two so i was never really allowed to have a childhood. Later in my early teens i became the family scapegoat.
The other day my house keeper told me to be strong. I almost went ballastic. Then she repeated it. I don't think she understood when I told her I was bipolar and when I push myself to be strong i wind up in a worse situation. I was rapidly moving into that worse situation.
A little later she left and the doorbell rang and it was nextdoor neighbor. She has accomplished a great deal in her life and is continuing to. She has a loving relationship with her elderly mother and husband. I practically broke down. She told me every day she says to herself that God loves her unconditionally. She said that God loves me unconditionally. My mood snapped. I felt like a child bathed in warmth. Can you start saying that to yourself? We have to keep fighting the demons of being bipolar and somehow get ourselves outside their arena. I don't know if therapy works. I adore my psychopharmacologist. He is so grounded and wise and nonjudgmental and caring without being a bleeding heart. I see him for ten or 15 minutes every other week. I see a therapist now every other week. I usually get more depressed after i see her.
I wish you could find the time to exercise and release some of the energy you have. I wish you could start writing music and release creative force within you. I wish you could focus in on what you have control over and what you don't and let go of what you don't. I wonder if you started saying that God loves you unconditionally you might find some warmth
Bobby