BJ, dear BJ. I honestly think you are in a vicious circle...the tail is waggin the dog so to speak and you are going to have to break this cycle before it breaks you.

You are "feeding it" so to speak and are focusing on the blackness (I'm not minimizing how black it is! ) but you are going to have to help yourself get out of this by taking that first step.

Call your pdoc...call her today and tell her you need her help asap.
The reasons for your crisis need tending to dear girl. You are worth it.

Now please.....go call her!!