I can see why this is a popular forum and so many care about the people who post here. Doody BMW Alffe BJ Curious Kathy I just you all and my SOS family.
Dej, I can see why so many are offering you their support, you give it in abundance. Your reply moved me to tears. Blue, Chemar -I thank you too for your support and understanding - and all of your prayers

I am indeed lucky to have Dr B, it took me a long time to find him, but I refused to stop looking until I found the one I clicked with. You are also correct,, he does care for me, as I do him. We have been through so much, he has always been there, above and beyond the call of his duty. I consider him a dear friend.

I have to say, my sister was a bit perplexed by my reaction... I was bawling deep into the night, she said Dad huh? I said yeah some of that too, but tonight, more so for Lynn and the shock of it all.

She was a bit like umm how did you not know? In my defense, I can only say I didn't let myself ever think beyond the here and now. Now, by that I do not mean I had my head buried in the sand, I read all I could, I have plans in place for emergency etc...but I did not let it consume me either. I saw no point in losing the life we now have, lost in the tragedy of what was to come. Does that make sense? It sounds so right in my mind.

I knew the future would be a bleak one. I knew he would continue to progress. I am no novice here, he has had this for years, though he wasn’t diagnosed until it got so bad he couldn’t work in 2004. I have slowly seen every single change, my heart is breaking bit by bit, in slow motion…….I knew………I KNOW…..

But, I was always told he may not progress this fast, to hold out hope. I was never told he was terminal.
In fact, what I have been told over and over, have read over and over, is that most patients die of secondary conditions, before Alzheimer’s kills them. Well, NOW I KNOW WHY!!

That he has progressed so badly , that the need was felt to tell me he was terminal, to tell me about hospice should he get sick…….. Well the proverbial rug was just ripped right out from under me. When I say I am done, I mean - I AM done, and at this point, I mean with everything.

The fighter in me, that yes my Dad did help create…. But now has also damaged deeply…. Knows that I must protect Lynn above my own feelings. This is just killing me! What I keep thinking is, I have put a beloved pet down, because I loved them to much to see them suffer….. Why then, would I try to continue Lynn’s suffering if a secondary conditions takes over. It isn’t an easy answer, and only God knows what I will do, when the time does come. I would like to think I love him enough, to want him free of his pain…

I need to figure out a way to talk to Lynn’s children and his two sisters about this. I keep thinking about when my dear Grams was dying last year…. She had a massive heart attack, her 3rd…and 70 percent of her heart was damaged to the point of no repair. I remember the turmoil of our family, some wanted her to have every means possible to try to save other, others wanted her wishes and living will followed. It was such a hard time for all of us, we didn’t want to let her go! Having to talk about these decisions only made it harder.

All I DO know at this point, is that as a family we will have to talk this out. I do not feel strong enough now to do so. But…. I also know, I will be beyond grief, unable to cope with it, if this waited till it happened.

Wow, I am spent!! Thank you all for listening.