thank you doody alffe and david

David, you are correct in that I was only thinking about myself when I wanted to end my pain, by ending my life. But, I was thinking of those I love when I decided not to. So even in my deepest pain, they did enter into my thoughts.

That is part of the issues I will need to work out. My Dad is the one who talked to me the most. I opened up to him. He told me many things, among them was that he needed me...and I had to hang on for him. I DID!!
Yet, he wouldn't or couldn't do the same for me.

Now I DO wonder.... did my talking to him so openly, in my deepest pain...
contribute to his choice. Did he feel with all the past hurts he was carrying, the things that were haunting him, that losing his child was more than he could bare, or witness. I know he was suffering... one has to be don't they! But, did I cause some of the pain? When I hurt, he hurt with me. That's my job he always said.

I must have caused some of his pain then. I know I did not mean to, I know it is not my fault. But, I know how much he loved me.. therefore suffered watching me in pain. I wonder too about me having the worst to date TIA stroke right before this leaving me partially paralyzed.... he didn't stick around long enough to see me recover...........

Well I wish so many things.... I know the answers can't be found now. But, I also know, like Alffe said I do need to voice these questions..... don't hide in and among them..... perhaps do the best I can to find an answer I can live with. Whatever gets you to sleep at night......

If I am completely honest with myself, I will have to admit.... I did have a plan with God. I WOULD hang on. I WOULD make the most of the life I was given. I would bring joy and love to those around me. Living that way, I soon began to think on my disabilities as gifts.... I have loved life, NO DOUBT!
But the deal was......
I would end this pain, when Lynn passed. It was a secret between me and God. I wonder then, how so many people figured it out?

So I continue to say I'm done, but now I have to find a different way to be done! Perhaps that is part of the reason I am so mad at him at this moment.
And yes, now........ "my Dad's death will keep me truly alive"

Thank you all for responding to a tough topic and reaching out to me