((((((B)))))),

You're right -- the system does

If I live to be a hundred, I'll never understand why 'things' that were held jointly during the marriage aren't split up equally during the divorce. Especially, when the EX lies under oath to the judge, and it's obvious to everyone in the universe that the EX is lying.

It's usually the wife that's get screwed. But, there are a lot of guys going through divorce that get screwed too. The whole system needs to be revised so that if the marriage is dissolved, one spouse is not left bankrupt while the other one takes a trip to Las Vegas.

I don't know what your family sitch is. Don't know if you have kids. Unless you're working and have kids to support, there's not really any reason for insurance -- it's just another way to eat up the funds.

It's a hard thing to realize -- I realized it when I was going through my divorce. He was NOT the person I thought he was. He had no respect for me or his child. And no love for either of us either. I call it a real expensive lesson.

You know, ((((((B)))))), I was with my EX and his third wife and my son in the hospice for 8 hours a day during the week before he (the EX) died. He was wearing a wedding ring. I said to him "At least she got you to wear a wedding ring, I never could." When I married to him, he wouldn't wear a wedding ring because he said it would get caught in the scissors at work.

When I went back to the hospice the next day, he had put the ring in the drawer. That was a bigger message than anything that he had said or done in the past 20-some years.

We made bad decisions when we got married. We can spend the rest of lives being angry (because we weren't treated fairly) and feeling like a victim -- or we can just take a deep breath, step over the rubble on the floor and get on with our lives.

Someone one told me that you go through a divorce in the same way that you went through the marriage (I think it must have been a therapist). I figure if I get treated like ships during the divorce than he was probably treating me like ships during marriage, I just didn't realize it.

((((((B)))))), promise yourself that you'll take one step forward every day. Give yourself the gift of being outside the bed and outside the house. You've invested a lot of time and energy into getting this far. Don't doubt what you've done so far.

Take a look at this: http://www.recovery-inc.com/. See if there's meetings in your area. Ask them to mail you the newsletter. After you take a look at the newsletter, you can decide if it's something you'd like to try.

The keyword is *TRY*. I always remember something that my Son said to me when I was working until 9PM on a temporary contract job. Mom, that's a contract job. They don't care about you. They don't care if you stay until 9PM at night. You could just not show up tomorrow and they wouldn't care. You NEVER make permanent decisions. You can always change your mind. If you don't like this job, quit and find another one. My Son, the philosopher

I'm just using my philosopher Son to point out the if you decide to start something different and new now, it doesn't have to be a lifetime commitment. Right now, you're in the process of setting a NEW, GOOD life that suites you.

I can understand your not wanting to be around anybody when you're in a bad mood. I'm the same way. Go get coffee takeout. Or look at the Halloween lights. Or just go for a walk near some water or some woods -- that always makes me feel better.

You've doing a good job. What you're going through now is probably one of the hardest things that you will ever have to do. Acknowledge your strength. Allow time for weakness and tears. But, make those feet go forward.

BIG HUGS (and blessings).

Barb