As some of you know, my Dad's birthday is coming up, July 30th.
I am sure this is the reason that I am not coping , not at all. I can hardly sleep for the nightmares that are haunting my dreams. They are just awful!! Vivid and I wake crying every time. My eyes are as swollen as they were that first week. I am not the only one it is effecting, my whole family looks as if they have been to hell and back several times this week.

I know this may seem odd to some people, but I guess we each do what we need to , to survive. They sell these tiny urns, called memory urns… I bought 4 that came in a velvet case. I gave one to my mom, I still have the other 3. They are tucked away, I have never looked at them since I got them back.
We had planned to bring some of his ashes to one of his favorite places, Red Hill -on his birthday. But, due to my recent TIA there is no way I can make the hike. So thoughtfully my family has decided to wait until next year so that I could participate as well. I am not ready yet to bury the one I intended to in my memorial garden. I am not ready to scatter them anywhere either…. But I have this over powering need to do something.

What I want is to wake from this horrifying dream, to have the world set right again. With having to try to face the fact that Lynn is terminal … I am more depressed than I have ever been. I need my Dad damn it, he was suppose to be here! My hero ….. It would have been easier if his death had been natural, I wouldn’t now be so overwhelmed with his suicide, that I feel I can’t face yet another loss. No amount of medication could ever help, nor replace the comfort one finds in the embrace of their Dad, their Hero. But take the medicine I do, as I miss him greatly and I would give anything to be with him.

So having only slept a few hours, as the nightmares wont stop, I found myself posting here, to friends who have helped me survive, when I was sure there was no possible way I could…..I know you all have a good idea of the pain I am feeling, and I feel safe sharing it with you… perhaps in sharing I wont simply explode with grief