Hi there.
My name is Meghan and I've just joined this forum today. I've found my way here with a guiding light sent by DiMarie. She found me on another forum we both post on and extended her helpful hand to me and brought me here.

I havent been diagnosed but I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks.

Even right now trying to type this I'm fighting off dizziness and nauseousness from thinking about everything that has happened to me recently (and not so recently)

Its going to take me a few post to get out everything so please bear with me.

I'll start with my first ever panic attack.
I started dating the most wonderful boy in April 07. In May 07 we went to a huge concert (kinda like Woodstock) and we were waiting in a HUGE crowd for the headlining band. Once the band came on, the crowd started swaying and I immediately couldn't breathe and I felt trapped. We got out of the crowd and to the First Aid tent and the person said that I had a panic attack. I had no idea what that was at first but after it happened I was fine.

Fast forward to May of this year. The boy and I go to the concert again (its annual) and I was fine. I finish highschool and we go on a trip to Disney world with his family. The day after I get home I have graduation. I didn't have a job at the time we got back and I could see it was bothering Mike (the boyfriend). I could tell for a while he was bothered with having to pay for things for me and drive out to see me (we live an hour apart). 2 weeks after we got back from Disney, the brakes in my car were broken so I asked my mom if I could borrow her car to go see Mike. She said yes and I told her I would bring it back before she had to go to work the next morning (I was planning on leaving Mike's around 11pm). I fell asleep at Mike's and ended up leaving at 4am. As I was driving home, a deer jumped out in front of the car, and in a panic, I stepped on the gas, swerved and ended up in the woods. The car was totaled. It was the first time I had ever been in an accident and I was all alone.

The few weeks after that were hard. I felt overwhelmed with no job, school in the fall, Mike seeming to be pulling away, and the car thing that I had my 1st BAD panic attack. I was rushed to the emergency room in an ambulance. Mike drove from his house to the hospital to see me to make sure I was okay.

Still with no job, I would take the train to Mike's house to see him. The week before the 4th of July I spent the whole week at his house watching his dogs because his parents were camping. 4th of July weekend we met his parents to camp for the weekend. The Monday following he texted me saying he was going to come out and surprise me and come see me but he got paged to go into work so he couldnt. Between Tuesday and Friday night, I didn't see him and we talked very little. Friday night I told him I had access to my car and I was on the way to see him. He said "i dont think you should come out im hanging with keith (his best friend" but i told him I was already half way there.

I get to his house and find him on the computer, and I could immediately see something was wrong. He wasn't responding like normal and he was acting like he had no idea who I was. Eventually we go into his room to go to sleep and he just starts crying and says He can't do this and it's to much. I'm sitting there tryign to tell him its okay we can do this just relax I can help you, and eventually we fall asleep. The next morning, he was going skateboarding with his friends and I usually go with them. He told me he didn't think I should go with them and I should just go home.

I started getting dizzy and I started crying and on my drive home I had to pull over and I had my second panic attack landing me in the ER. Mike was hesitant to come to my side but eventually ended up at the hospital with me.

Later that night he called and told me he needed space. The week following was Hell for me and then eventually he told me he was coming over to get his stuff and it was over. I was floored. I still am. I spent the next few days trying to show him this can work and it doesn't have to be like this. He says theres "certain things that cant be fixed"

Tuesday after work I told him I wished I was driving out to see him and he said I could. It was the first time I had seen him since the panic attack when he told me to go home. I went there and he started curling up to me and I automatically thought he wanted to fix things. I started crying and askign him why this was happening and what was going on and all he could do was hold me and wipe my tears away. I leave the next morning and he said he was sorry for the night before. He comes over later in the day to "pick up his stuff" but he ended up falling asleep in my bed curled up next to me and he didnt bring any stuff home with him.

After all that he texts me saying the past 2 nights were a mistake and that this is OVER over and he doesnt wanna patch things up and i cant convince him to or anything.

I've tried to reason with him and he won't communicate. I've honestly never felt so lost in my life. He's been the constant in my life for the past year and out of no where its just gone. I feel like the ground has been pulled from beneath my feet. I know this probably sounds like First Love heart break but it's not and it makes me dizzy and nauseous when people say that.

He wants me to hate him, so its easier for him to let go, but I can't he hasn't done anything to make me hate him. I wish I could just get through to him and help him. He won't tell me anything and it's messing with me.




So thats update 1. Next post will be about how overwhelming everything else is and my struggle with trying to find professional help.


Please don't think I'm just sitting here to vent and make everyone feel bad for me. I have issues telling people things in fear that they won't care and that they'll turn around and say "i don't want to deal with your problems I have my own" I hope this forum can help me see that people are caring and will help.


-Meghan