I'm writing this through tears and trying to fight away the demons but they wont stop chasing me.

I feel like I'm so behind in life. I know I'm 18 but I feel like all of a sudden the earth has dropped from beneath my feel and I'm trying to hard to find something to stand on.

I look around at everyone else I know my age and they're all so set in there lives. They have apartments, they have fiances, they're going to four year schools, they handle everything themselves, no support from anyone. They're on their own two feet.

why is it that I'm at the same exact point in life as them yet I am so far behind? i feel like I'm running a race and everyone is running ahead of me and I'm falling behind the pack.

I'm trying so hard to be self sufficent I dont want to have to rely on my parents anymore. I want to be able to wake up and know that I can drive my car to the store and buy things I need without having to ask my parents for money.

I feel like I just need one solid push. A big push in the right direction.

Maybe a 5,000 dollars. I could use that money to get an apartment, get settled and find a good job, and then start my life.

Or maybe I just need to be able to pause the world. Have everyone and everything stop until I get caught up and all set and then join right back in with everyone.

Or maybe I just need to dig myself a hole and worry about nothing but trying to find food and water. Who needs to be productive? I'll just build myself a little shed to sit in and worry about nothing but survival.

What point is there in life anyway? Work yourself to the bone your whole life, get married to someone youll probabaly divorce, have a child that grows up to make the same mistakes as you and then die?


why is life so much easier for everyone else? is there something wrong with ME that I cant have what everyone else has? do i have some sort of sign on my head saying "THIS PERSON IS BEHIND, LEAVE HER THERE"

the worst part about all of this is im willing to work hard. I'm willing to work 50 hours a week if nessecary to catch up, its the GETTING the job that i cant do, so there i am again, tripping in the race.


I dont even know what to do, I just want a sign or something to work for me. Its like im screaming till my lungs are bleeding and no one can hear me.

I just cant even begin to describe. and i feel worthless sitting on the computer and not doing anything but i just dont know what to do.


I need guidance.