I almost didn’t go because I had a huge panic attack in the car and couldn’t breathe. Thank goodness I went an hour early because I figured this might happen.

It was a long session, over 2 hours and I’m drained but I think this might work. I gave her permission to talk to my old tdoc and my pdoc so she knew a lot about me already. After all the intros and nuances we got down to business. She asked me how I felt talking to her and I said very uncomfortable. But I tried my hardest to tell her everything and I did, except one thing. I told her about Mark, about my dad and how my mom suffered in silence. She did throw me when she said I have to “remember to heal”. I know I’ve blocked a lot of pain out of my life but I don’t know how to do that. It’s hard to go there that’s why I disassociate.

Then she started to talk about what my tdoc and pdoc said. That is I’m unreachable, they can’t get to what’s inside of me. I lost it and burst out in tears. She started on the disassociation and I interrupted her and said please I have no parts and don’t ask them to come out. She did calm me down and we went on. She said we have a lot of work to do, we have to break down the barriers or else it’s going to break me and that she’d help me in any way she can but I have to work too. She wants me to blog or journal and show her everything I’ve written. She only allows 2 emails a week but will take calls 24 hrs a day. She said she needs to here my voice to understand where I’m coming from.

My pdoc recommended her because she highly skilled in EMDR. I never even heard of that before until she said it. It does sound highly intense though and I don’t know if I can go there yet.

My pdoc comes home on Saturday and that will be such a relief. I’ve felt so lost without her but I’m proud of myself for only calling her twice when I was feeling really bad.

I do have one more thing to get out, the thing that’s destroying me inside. I start a series of 9 ECTs on Monday and my pdoc gave me her word that she would be there. I told her how scared I was because last time I was in the hospital and this time it’s being down as an outpatient. So my plan is that when they give me the IV to knock me out I’m going to tell her. I won’t be awake to see the expression on her face and when I come to it won’t be there.