Hi Junie,
Your post sounded like you were at a really dark and frustrated place. I hope that even though your medical issues and pain cannot have improved, that you are finding support here and feeling stronger emotionally.
As you can tell from this thread, there are people who care here. Even though we all have different diagnoses and different levels of pain or disability, we are united in coming here because we are looking for connection with others who can understand what we are going through
God Bless You