I’ve been thinking a lot about some of the things she said yesterday about accepting that I’m mentally ill.

If I could accept I had a mental illness; not just say it, or understand what that is, but really accept that some of what goes on in my head and with my body is out of my control I think I might begin to let go and to get better.

If I could stop fighting against the suicidal ideation, the self loathing and SI, the anxiety, the intense fatigue, the lack of motivation, the absolute terror and fear of being left alone, or being embarrassed, or being rejected; if I could accept these are symptoms I cannot control, I might be able to relax and stop trying so hard to get rid of them.

I need to find it within myself to ACCEPT I can do what I can and I can try to do things. I can hang on, and survive, but I cannot CONTROL all my symptoms. I need to learn that have an illness where what you can and cannot control is ambiguous. I need to believe that I am trying as hard as I can to get better, and that is all anyone wants me to do.

I was so grateful last night when my pdoc called to ask me how it went. I asked her about the EMDR and she said it’s used for people who have PTSD and this new tdoc is a specialist in it. She said you have to be very careful before doing EMRD and the tdoc has to be extremely well trained because for some people EMDR can break down the dissociative barriers and a psychotic breakdown can happen. But she believe that in time I should consider this.

I asked her again if she’d be there Monday and she said absolutely. Today I have to have blood work done and an EKG. Then I’m meeting with the anesthesiologist and the guy that’s doing the treatments.