I have no plans today, I wrote mike a wicked long thing about how he thinks i have no responsibility and infact I have more responsibility then he thinks and that everyone else thinks and I read it to him last night on the phone, after he was reluctant to answer the phone.

I read it to him, and it sounded like he was crying but he told me he wasnt after we got off the phone and he said he was tried and needed to think about everything today. I understand his need for space, the things I said last night were over whelming and I know he doesnt work things out by talking about them, he holds them inside and just lets them eat at him.

I hope he really HEARD I was saying. He has a huge problem with taking charge in his life. My outlook on life is "If things aren't going your way, do what you can to fix them." I can't sit around and watch stuff happen to me that I know I can fix, so I go out and do what I can to fix it. I can't sit idly by and think "oh well poor me, i'm in a rut and here's where I'll stay."

That's exactly how Mike thinks. He's in a job he hates, doing manual labor for the amount of money he needs to get by, but he doesn't get anythign else out of it. He has this outlook like "i have to be stuck in this terrible job because I have bills to pay and my band isnt working out oh poor me my life sucks, im getting "old" and i dont have a wife or kids yet"

But he won't do anything about it. He can find a different job, he's only 23, it's alot easier to change careers now then when he's 40 and tired of doing back breaking work. It sound easier then it is and I know that but he can't sit around and complain about things that are in his control.

I asked him to hang out tomorrow night (we've been hanging ovut every Sunday for teh past few weeks) and he hasn't answered me yet. I hope he says yes, I wanna show him my laptop and maybe watch a movie on it and just hang out, like friend, like he wants. I have work tomorrow afternoon but after that I was planning on going out there after. I just wanna see him and show him that I have things together because right now, I feel like I do. He can't really see I have things together until I show him. I can tell him all I want but he won't believe it till he sees results, just like me that's how I am. If I don't see a result I don't feel like any of my efforts are worth it or justified.


So we'll see what he says about tomorrow. I hope he says yes, it would really give me a chance to show him I've changed and really taken a step up. Please hope for me that I can show him that life isn't about givine up and settling in a rut. It's about taking steps towards goals and I'm glad that nowI realize that. This whole experience has been a step for me. I can't let my anxiety and my panic attacks get in my way. I am in control of me, anxiety is not in control.

This post went from worrying about what Mike is thinking or what's gonna happen, to if it doesn't work out, then okay! Right now it's not happening but I'm doing what I can.


I hope that sometime soon someone realizes that I'm taking steps and someone is proud of me.