Ok first don't say sorry. You DESERVE to be well and voice your issues. I hear you and feel for you. It sounds like you have a plan to better yourself and I know after so long of suffering you want to be better today but it is a slow process. I know your anxiety and the feelings are real. Are there small goals that you can do? I think for me having small goals makes me feel better about myself and helps with the anxiety. I wonder if you have thought of going inpatient for this?