Michael,

I sense you're going through some rough times. I can understand your worthless feelings, and I too have had my skills "crumble" literally from under my fingers. I make my living in the computer industry, and was once able to think very quickly on my feet and at the heat of a moment come up with a quick change of plans in case something didn't work. Unfortunately this isn't the case anymore. What once took only one try to get something done now takes me a lot longer. At first I was very frustrated but now I take my time anyway, and I think things through very carefully before I press one button or click a key.

I said I make my living in the computer industry, but my real focus has been music. Piano in particular and more recently the clavichord. It's not like I just play the piano, I was actually working on my audition to New England Conservatory when I decided many moons ago to take a more financially stable road. I've played the piano since I was about 6 years old and had my first lesson when I was eight. I think I only stopped practicing and playing when I had a cold, or went on vacation. Any other time in between, I was either working on the pieces mentally, or practicing at the keyboard.

So here in lies the big mess I'm facing as well. Career wise, I'm going nowhere really even though I'm working on my BS in Information Technology. Yes it has taken me 30 years to decide what I really didn't want to do for a living even though I'm doing it now. As far as getting a new job, well if I'm lucky someone else may hire me should I get laid off. I don't expect it since I have other things happening as well, which I'll discuss later.

My music-technical skills are fading. I can no longer play as quickly as I used to, although a recent Sinemet change has helped somewhat. I find that my hands don't always talk to each other properly so sometimes there's a delay between them. I have fingers seize up on my so that certain patterns don't work, i.e. the Alberti Bass where there are alternating notes, or once flawless trills stop in the middle as I focus on the melody. I had other little freeze-ups, delays, etc. that completely wreck a piece of music so that it becomes a useless pile of c***p because I've ruined the momentum.

When all this started, I was at a point musically where the music was mine. I was no longer listening to other people and trying to imitate their technique. I was working out my on interpretations of things that I would compare later on. They were pretty much spot on as I kept faithful to the manuscript. I had also developed a certain controlled tone on the piano that a former teacher of mine told me it harkened back to the old-time concert pianists that she heard growing up. She's about 90 and studied at Juliard. She marveled at my improved technique, tone control, and accuracy that I had achieved.

Then it hit like a bag of bricks or cement blocks over the head. Everything that I was achieving at this point came to a halt. My career has become a routine only to gather health insurance. My music, which is my soul is only a shadow of what it once was. So needless to say this hurts, not physically, but emotionally. Oh I have the good days and bad days that we all go through, but this hurts more because it builds up the expectations so one forgets what's really going on, and then it hits again like a ton of bricks.

What do I do, I've decided that I'll look for the best days and try my best to work around the bad ones and really try not to let them get me too far down. Last night was one of those bad days that left me swearing at my hands, and asking "Why did you do that, you F****ing idiots. I ended up trashing two Beethoven Sonatas and to chamber music pieces I've been working on. So much for the good Sunday I had where I actually made pogress. Last night the hands acted like a couple of defiant juveniles that didn't pay attention in class.

The other wonderful things that are happening now are scary. I've now developed really serious bladder urgency, and I've come close to being really wet. Nice, swell, here come the pampers. And yes I was told by my eye doctor a couple of weeks a go that I should give up driving because of the double vision. I had a problem all along, but now the glasses aren't helping anymore. Nice, spiffy, swell. Here goes the job as well. What good is having a job if you can't get there easily along with the health insurance that I need very badly!

So anyway, I agree with Rosebud. Parkinson's is a great teacher. It humbles one down and forces us to focus on the world around us, and try our best to see things in the BIG picture rather than focus on the little details that get us down.

Keep your chin up and trudge along.

John