i so badly want to write out what im thinking for all of you to help me figure it out. but i am so mad and frustrated i dont even wanna think. i really should get it all out but its easier for me right now to just be really mad.

its my time to be happy. if it requires me to be somewhat mean to others (and by mean i mean being stern and not budging about what makes me happy) then so be it.

at this point, i dont care anymore. i'm getting what i want done, Done. Im taking care of me and i'm going to be happy. if dana makes me smile, who is this random girl to stop me? im not gonna let her get in my way.

im starting to get like, repulsed by mike, its a weird feeling. like he texts me and all i can think of is leave me alone or i dont wanna talk to you. heres what i was gonna update about last night but couldnt.


-looking through pictures: i was looking through picturs on my phone and 90% are either of mike, or me and mike, or something we did together and it made me upset.

-breakdown WHY: i started balling my eyes out and got really sad over the pictures and then i was like why the hell am i doing this?

-when is it myturn? : when do I get to be legit happy? when is it all gonna work out for ME for once?

-doing so well not thinking/talking:ive been doing SO WELL not thinking about mike or talking to him, i even blew him off on sunday night for movie night cuz i made other plans. i hung out at my friends house and dana came. i didnt think about mike ALL night. or at all really until my stupid picture breakdown.

-skipped movie night : i was like, eh maybe ill come out and then i was like nah i have other plans. and HE texted me and was like well if you change your mind let me know cuz im just sitting at home. GOOD im GLAD you didnt have plans, now how does it feel!

-praying situation: i feel like this recent 'flare up' of bad luck is due to my slackin on praying... the past week/two weeks i go to bed and do my 10-5-3-1 thing and then go to sleep, but recently ive been either falling asleep before i get a chance too, or gettign so distracted while doing it thinking about other things that i dont finish i just fall asleep and i feel like because i havent been keeping up and i keep saying oh im gonna go to church and i never have a chance, that God is like hey, remember how well everything worked out when you prayed and Danas crazy stalker is an example of how quickly God can change things.

-danas crazy stalker: dana has some baggage. he has this girl that hes been with off and on for like 5 years. they CONSTANTLY fight about everything (shes one of those jealous types that FLIPS out when someone even tries to say hello to dana) so anyway... she went off to college (in Florida) and they were still 'together' i guess, but clearly they both kinda went their own way because it wasnt gonna work. so when i broke up with mike, my friend christina and her boyfriend kinda took me in and let me hang out with them and thats where i met dana. i knew about this girl, and how crazy she is but i wasnt looking at him as someone i was interested in (at the time) he was just someone nice to talk to....so we started talking more and now we text all the time. she saw my posts on his facebook wall and added me and contacted me litterally saying "stop talking and texting dana. ive been working with him for 6 years and hes mine and no one elses regardless of how he feels" in so many words. she even mentioned not to say anything to him about her saying something to me because she doesnt want dana to 'hate her more then he already does'....wait a second, if you know he doesnt care, why are you crazy attached? he lies to her, and has no regard for her feelings because he knows shes obsessive and he cant get rid of her. shes going after me for texting him, but i flat out told her He texts Me too. and she tried saying all this stuff like ohhh hes insecure he needs ANYONE right now because hes lonely when im away at school....no, hes not lonely, he can have anyone he wants, he just cant because hes afraid youre going to hunt them down and kill them and he doesnt want that. hes been avoiding asking me to hang out (tho he says he wants too he always just says Soon soon,) because shes in town visiting home before going back to school. but tonight, he asked to hang out, and we didnt cuz he was tired but he asked about tomorrow, which makes me think she left for college because now that shes gone he can actually TALKJ to people without her trying to attack them. her whole deal is insane and everyone i know that knows her better than i do is like, Shes legitimately crazy.

-someone to turn over to: i havent been sleeping well for weeks. im so used to having someone to sleep next to (mike) and other then the emotional part of having someone close to feel safe and comfortable, im having problems with the physical lack of someone being there. illturn over in the middle of the night half awake and try to put my arm around someone who isnt there. and i feel like my bed is WAY to big and its swallowing me and it kinda gives me anxiety like everything is way to big and out of my control like im out in the open and vounerable. and this may all sound crazy but its how i really feel, like i sleep on 'my' side of the bed and the other side is empty and i dont like it. i feel like that im unprotected cuz theres not someone there to keep me safe. dana has said he wants to cuddle and fall asleep with me, and other then the fact id love for that to happen because im interested in him, i get even more excited at the fact that the other side of my bed will be filled and i can sleep in peace knowing that im safe. i feel like im crazy for having this irrational fear of being hurt or something because i dont have someone to protect me but its a fear thats really there and to be honest it scares me. it scares me that i dont have someone to turn to if im having a bad dream, or i feel unsafe....i guess its not even just while sleeping but in general. im terrified if something happens to me, i dont have anyone to immediately turn to and say please help me. im terrified of being alone/by myself. so now that danas in the picture, im trying to not liek rush things and have him be that person (like i thought mike was) but he does all the right things at the right times and i feel like he knows how to handle someone like me.


maybe im just crazy and all of this isnt healthy. how would I know, i havent seen a therapist yet and i need to. but it all boils down to money. money that i dont have. i got an email from a job i was hoping for but i know i wont get it. i have to go for a first interview, then if i get called back for a second one, job offers will be given then. i need to get out of the job i have now. i feel liek its a step backward when i need to move forward.


i have a draft email saved to that christian psychologist. i havent sent it because im not done writing it and im scared. i dont even know. i need to find someone and fast. this is getting out of control. just when i thought i maybe had it under control, something happens to prove me wrong and i cant handle what happens and i cant handle how i feel about it.


dfhhgvbwjehvbwljrevnwl i can only wish so hard for things.