I can commiserate. When my mother was alive and well off she told me let the state take care of me. I have had nothing to do with my sister and her family for a few years. They are well off. She told me we were strangers and had nothing in common. I keep on telling myself that God gives us what we need not necessarily what we want.
You are torturing yourself. I hope the torture can stop. Have you tried klonopin and risperdal? They have helped me. I am being forced to change by my situation and to let go more. I had tried so hard in the first part of my life to achieve security but it was illusive. I couldn't have tried harder. Try to find ways to comfort yourself and keep the faith that things will work out the way they are supposed to
Bobby