ill answer this in parts:

would you tell us whats going on
i dont even know whats going on.
ive been hanging with dana, going to school, mike, but i still feel like im on the outside.
like... you know that feeling buildings get in the winter? that closed in warm feeling? kinda like being wrapped up in a warm blanket on a chilly day? well, i feel like everyone i see is at that point...i guess you could say it's overall Content. i am in no way content, and i feel like im reaching out to try to get to that point, like get on the 'inside' and everyone who is on the 'inside' looks at me like, whatre you doing? because theyre so used to being on the inside they dont understand what im going for, they assume ithey way things are for them is normal and that everyone else is fine.

have i been journalling
nope. i used to love to write but recently its felt extremely overwhelming to try and collect my thoughts and write them down. i really should get back to it, but with school and everything i dont have time...which in reality i Physically have time, but mentally my mind is always going so i cant focus on it.

How were your classes going this past week?
Classes are good, i feel kinda young compared to everyone because i AM the youngest one, theres people in my classes with their bachelors and masters and stuff. its overwhelming to feel so inexperienced

Did you get your books?
yup, one is back ordered and i have to switch one cuz its the wrong edition, but i got them. my biology book is SOOO heavy. its starting to rip my bag so i have to carry it.

How are your folks doing?...being supportive?
my folks couldnt even be one bit less interested in what im doing or How im doing. i kinda fired my pdoc. i havent been in a while and i should. im still waiting for a therapist, but since i have no job anymore, i cant pay for co-pays and stuff. i need new clothes too but clearly thats not working out. on top of all that, i commute to school and i cant pay for gas.

ARe you getting some exercise...you talked about going to the center once you got your ID card....have you been able to go.
im getting my ID on monday, i have 3 hrs between classes so im gonna need something to do, once i get it, ill prob work out on mondays in between classes and tuesdays and thursdays after classes since im done so early.

How have you been eating?
normally i guess, i feel like ive been eating way more then i usually do but i dont know.

everyone around me is settled. except for maybe dana and his situation is making me feel overwhelmed. he doesnt know what he wants at all. wjhrvbwer

i cant even think like i just wanna cry and be hugged. but the people who i'd love to have hug me, are so confused with what they want, they dont have time to realize they can help someone else out.

things could be so simple. i like routine. i like systematic outlines of things, i dont like change. to be honest i hate change. i just want things to be the same every day over and over and if change has to happen, i wanna be in control of it.

i constantly feel like im supposed to be the person you see in movies, that packs up everything they own, and just heads out. like to somewhere...i feel like i need to go somewhere. montana, north dakota, the West, canada SOMEWHERE. get a job at a cute little side highway diner as a waitress just exist.


:sigh: x 894783