My son is moving back in with his grandmother for a while. Lord forgive me but I hate that woman. I can hear her gloat in the simplest of sentences. She is using her happy voice when she speaks to me. Usually she is hard pressed to be civil.

"Is Brandon there?" I ask. "Oh he's out playing in the rain" she answers in a singsong voice that sounds full of joy and triumph.

He is in such misery after being there for a while but I guess he is trying for his sake to pick what he considers the lesser of two evils.

I could tell him no but he is in such an unstable place right now and there is such chaos here. I think he is afraid that until his meds are right that he may say or do something that may hurt my feelings. Well....done.....and forgiven.

Now I cannot monitor that he takes his meds, she will but at her age she forgets. He will not remember to take the 4 pm meds and after a bad week will just quit taking them thinking that is the problem. They will hound him about school adding to his stress and anxiety.

I am in a way relieved for both of us because when we are together after a while we are toxic. We just rub each other the wrong way. He is exhausting to be around and I love him so and worry about him. Now I am a horrible mother because I feel a measure of relief at the break that I will get while he is gone. The anger that I feel for not being a better mother.

So I sit here and sob and wait for him to come and get a few things. I will dry my face when they pull in and help him get what he needs. Then cry myself to sleep.