I find myself coming back in the hopes that you have posted Hippiechick…..
You haven’t come back yet, so I am going to ramble some more….
perhaps something one of us says to you.. will help give you strength.

My heart truly does go out to you, I can’t imagine the hell you must be in…
But, I know this… You said your family would be better off without you.
My Dad I am sure, had similar thoughts. But, I ASSURE you, not one of us
left behind feels this way. Every single day, I still long for just one more day……..

I know you are hurting. One of the things that helped me hang on was
coming here. I found a safe place to share. I also wasn’t going to let suicide
be glorified in my thinking any more. It was one of the hardest things I ever
did, but I admitted I needed help, and went to my doctor. I still get down,
who wouldn’t? But it isn’t consuming me anymore. I can see and experience
the joy .. even with the pain. Not pushing, but perhaps medication could
help with these feelings for you too.

I was thinking, my husband is getting help through agencies, I wonder if you
could as well. Perhaps it might help you not feel so alone during the day
when your husband has to work. Plus it wouldn’t be a bad idea having
someone with you for those times when you do pass out.

I know it sounds so trite in all that you are facing….but the old adage comes
to mind, live like you were dying. None of our futures are guaranteed, hold
onto hope! Try to enjoy all the things you do still have in your life...
This is what keeps me positive, while facing losing my husband..
Keep trying to find a doctor who is compassionate and willing to help you in your
journey. Keep coming here, let us help you find the strength to fight