my girls are here for me and i for them. it is just hub .he is the most grumpy person ever lately. he either wont say anything or crab, put down ,degrade and belittle me. it is like all the confidance and good things are instantly sucked out of the room when he is around. I cant even do anything i enjoy..including being on the comp. it is hard to relax and sleep to be truthful when he is around because he just knocks me down (not litiraliy he has not hit me for a long long time) but his words and things he says ,how he acts and treats me knocks me down . he jokes that at work others call him chef ramsy from hells kitchen. ha ha thats sooo funny try living with him id like to say to them. dosent wear sleep mask and is just sooo grumpy for far to long now it seems.. and i soak it all up like a bread dipped in gravy and I turn into this mushy slice of nothing. i think how easy it would be to just end things and be done with it all and the thoughts of doing that come and go. i try to see future and there is nothing there to se really. I do not like those thoughts! I need strength and self confidance. I want to see my girls make it out of nest and after they do.. I plan to also because i cant keep going like this. and i know it is hard for others to understand after 23 years of marriage, like nikki and tammy and moi's... who have so much love and patience and understanding between them and their other halfs.I dont have that and so i dont undersatnd what or how things can be like that and vica versa. I am just trying to get job and see my kids out of nest when they are old enough to do so. I wish things would change and go back to the love we had at one time but it just dosent seem to be going in that direction.. it just seems to be piling up on the yulky stuff and sometimes i am drowning in it. This is my house too but i do not feel comfortable in it. this is so hard to do to admit what i am feeling and how things are. gosh i feel like nothing and i get mad that someone can have such controll and be able to do that to another.
i do so need all the posts you have given to me here. Thank you isnt a big enough word to express truely how much and what all of the posts and what all of you meen to me right now. thank you thank you thank you soooo much.

please dont stop believeing in me or posting to me. i see about 6 messages i need to go read them and then hit the road for job hunting.
PEACE
BMW