Originally Posted by Earth Angel

I lost my mother by her own hand on September 11th and I thought like everyone has told me that it would get easier for me to handle my emotions but I can't. I loved my mom so much. She was such a loving, caring person much like myself. Her and my dad divorced in 2006 and she was never the same. She tried to keep working but she couldn’t stay committed to the job, she would think about things and would end up getting sick and go home. She'd just sit in her apartment and feel alone, all the while I was at my job. She had good days and bad and I saw them all. I just never thought she would actually kill herself. We had talked about suicide before and she told me her faith in God would not allow her to do such a thing. I knew she was getting bad because I had to leave work several times because she would text me goodbye. I got her help, took her to talk to someone but obviously it did not work. Her last words were "no more pain, please don’t hate me" that she wrote on a little piece of paper and left it by her nightstand.

I can’t help but wonder if I was the one to send her over the edge. I was diagnosed with optic neuritis in 2006. I was put on steroids and after several weeks it cleared up. Since then I’ve had several more attacks. Recently I’ve been having coordination problems and I have pins and needles feelings in my legs and arms. I went to my primary and she ordered an MRI. The MRI came back with something and I was referred to a neuro. Then my mom was gone so I’ve never gone. She needed me, I couldn’t have MS. Is this why she gave up? I’ll never know.

I know she wasn’t happy and I keep telling myself that she’s not hurting anymore. But I am an only child and I just feel like no one understands the hurt I am feeling inside. Am I just supposed to go on with a happy face and mask my true feelings inside? I don't want to bother others with my sadness but I feel so lost. I just need an escape and hopefully writing here will help me connect with others who do know how I feel. I miss her everyday, every minute, every second. It hurts my heart to think that she felt so unloved.