Thank you all for your posts and support. They help my soul
but I am still in a bad place I had hoped to never visit again.

See here is the thing about suicide. When someone dies of
cancer -for example - like my uncle. I grieved, we all grieved. But,
we did all go to the family reunion that year. We talked about
good times and about how he had fought a good fight, how we
were grateful he was at last in peace. It was healing.

When someone takes their own life, this just can't be done.
There can be no healing at this reunion. What am I to say?
What are they to say? Dad shot himself - it was a brutal violent end.
Something that I fear will haunt me my whole life.

I will try to come back later, when I am in a better place and
reread your posts. I thank you all for reaching out to me...
I needed it more than I thought. For that I thank you