You’re right Alffe, I’m stuck and I can’t get unstuck and I’m sorry I disappointed you. I can’t stop thinking about death and dying, I’m obsessed with it. I can’t stop thinking about how my mom and dad looked in their coffins and how when I threw dirt on my mom’s coffin I wanted to jump right in the ground with her. I didn’t want to let her go because she was all I had left. I went so far as to make my will today. Pretty sad when I had to put down as beneficiaries The Humane Society of the US and Alley Cat Allies.

But I can’t get the vision of Mark’s lifeless body hanging in the bathroom out of my mind. I don’t know if I ever told you what he was wearing……..his baseball uniform. We went to bed just like any other night and we talked a while, nothing big. He said he was tired and wanted to go to bed. I heard him in his room and then I fell asleep. His last words to me were “Even though we kid around and have brother and sister squabbles, I'm glad you're my sister and don’t ever forget it.” The coroner said he had been dead around 7 hrs when I found him. So after I fell asleep he must have gotten into his uniform and ended it all. That quick and he was gone. And that’s what my mom buried him in, his baseball uniform. I just want to know why, why why?

I tried to forget about it, tried to watch Biggest Loser. I couldn’t even do that because it was about mothers/daughters and daughters/fathers. I tried to take Hooper for a walk and I saw 3 boys playing baseball. Nope couldn’t do that either.

I feel so bad about what I said about joking, it was just a moment and it came out wrong. I was glad to see every one having fun again. It was so dead in here for so long and I really really was glad to see some fun in here again. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to join in on the fun. Just like families have fun, you're my family and I want you to all have fun.