I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it here.... but I am a "trained support
counsel" for the Trigeminal Neuralgia Association. I handle calls from
people whose lives have been effected by the devastating pain of TN.
I also use to lead a support group, but had to give that up when Lynn's
Alzheimer's required 24 hour care.

Part of my training........ how to handle suicide calls. I have handled
these in the past. I have received letters from people telling me I saved
their lives. Nothing has humbled me more.

When I was diagnosed, I truly did not want to live. The pain is that severe.
I have changed greatly due to living in this type of pain. It was a long
painful journey to become the person I am today. I learned to not let
the pain beat me, I learned to accept it and even embrace it. I learned
to not only live with it, but to thrive and enjoy life, despite it. Today,
I would even go so far as to say I am thankful... not for the pain...
but for the journey the pain brought me.

THAT is the reason I chose years ago to help others who are where I once
was. I wanted to help lift them up, give them hope... let them know they
could survive. I take great pride in the "work" I do.

Today................................. I received my first suicide call since my
Dad took his life. I am still shaking!!! SOMEHOW I was able to hold myself
together during the call. I did get choked up, but that is nothing new...
even before- I found these calls very emotional. I'm not sure how, but
I was able to focus on their pain...... share my journey with TN.. and guide
them and give them hope. All the while inside just dying a bit more.

Though I was able to focus on them.... I found myself biting my
tongue until it bled, biting back the words I feel about my own Dad's
choice. This is NOT what one should be thinking, while trying to support
another in crisis.

I threw up after we hung up, and have done so many times since. This
is leading me to believe perhaps I should resign. As much I truly do want
to help others, I fear this is too much for me to handle at this time. It
saddens me, as I somehow came to think of helping others as a "justification"
for my having this disease. I gained just as much as I gave, in helping others.
But................