....I have read this book a few times but not real recently. It is sitting in my bookcase and the last time I was suicidal I did not think to take it down and read it again. But then I was in a very bad place. That reaching out for help can be so very difficult. Interestingly I had told a friend that I was suicidal and what she said to me I will not repeat here. I love this person and always will but she couldn't help. And, in fact, drove me deeper. But I could not tell her that. I remember telling my husband that I just could not 'take any more and was truly despairing' but somehow that did not translate into 'I don't want to live any more'....life like this is not worth living or, at least, that is the way it seemed at the time. I won't put here what I did, the position I found myself in, or the plan I came so close to carrying out. I did reach out in the only way that I felt I could at the time, in prayer. Because that was all I felt that I had. It did get me through. And I am still here. I am learning from all this. And I hope that what I learn might help someone else. Communication, REAL COMMUNICATION can be difficult, especially when emotions run deep. I wrote the following piece of poetry when I read about Koala's nephew. I haven't posted it yet because I haven't felt the time was right. But now I do. When my friend's ex-husband commited suicide, I found myself wanting to explain how he may have felt while at the same time feeling her anguish. It was difficult. I will always be there for her, to support her however I can, and that is easier with my friends here helping me. But I still find myself wanting to explain, wanting to say, "this is how I felt, this is why I did what I did." Gosh I hope this is making sense. Sometimes I wonder why I am still here, walking this Earth. I shouldn't be. When I tried to commit suicide at the age of 12, I really should not have lived. But I did. And I am glad that I did. Sometimes I feel guilty that I lived and others haven't. Anyway, enough explaining. When I wrote this I reached back to the 12 year old in me and to how I felt. I don't know if it will help anyone but here it is:

I DIDN'T KNOW

Trapped
Can't see a way out
Consuming pain
Within...without.

Can't reach out
Don't know how
So consumed
By this now.

Can not see
In the future...
Blinded by this me.

All around me
People there
How do I share?
I know they care.

Can't reach out
Not sure how
How do I share
Pain...despair?

Can't go on
Too much to bear
Breaking...

Now fear is there,
I'm beckoned...
Can't resist the snare.

You see,
It seems,
To end this pain...
End this me.

I did not know
I could not see
Was trapped
By the pain in me.


I believe that belonging to this forum, back when, helped me to stay my hand because of the pain I see people here go through. It is always there somewhere in my mind and helps me to fight. But not everyone has access to that or knows about it, or gets exposed to it. I hope that together we all can make a difference.....