Originally Posted by harley

i wrote this a few years ago and want to share it with you evonne.

I was 15 years old when I nearly died. I developed shingles. This painful, horrid rash began a path around my right ribcage. Then stopped and spread into a 3 inch band upwards. Soon after this began, I developed excruciating headaches. Then, delerium. My mother took me to several doctors before finally one of them gave me a spinal tap. They were in shock. I had encephalitis, meningitis.. and the shingles.. all 3 illnesses at one time. I nearly died. But, I didnt. A couple years later, I had meningitis again. And I survived.

When I was in my early 20s, I went on a train ride from Seattle to St. Paul. Somewhere in Montana a woman boarded the train and sat down next to me. She was full of grief. I sat quietly until she softly began to speak about the passing of her husband.

The conversation was filled with sorrow, but also relief. Her husband had suffered a horrible decline in a long battle against a degenerative disease called Parkinsons Disease. In the final years, the family could no longer bear to see his suffering, or handle the demands that were made by the physical aspects of this disease. They decided to put him in a nursing home. The feeling of guilt stemming from the decision was evident in this women’s words. But, even clearer was the bitterness left inside of her. An overwhelming sense of loss combined with frustration and complete despair came from her face as her mouth poured out the words that told of her family’s struggle. I felt so much pain for this woman. I had no idea how to react, so I let her hold me as she came to terms with what had happened . The man that she had loved had wasted away in a slow, agonizing illness. And, she had to suffer so. It did not seem fair.

A few years later, I began having difficulty breathing. It was just a slight annoyance at first, but soon became hyperventilating. This went on for a couple of years of being diagnosed with panic attacks and put on anti anxiety drugs. Then the rigidity began. By the age of 26, I could barely move at all. I had been on many different drugs, and given diagnosis from epilepsy to stress from being a single mother. But, the rigidity scared me. I went to yet another neurologist. He decided to try me on another drug. Sinemet. Leva-dopa. It worked immediately. The diagnosis. Parkinsons Disease. A result of encephalitis. I think I stopped breathing for an entire 5 minutes.

I went to neuro after neuro to find another dxd.. anything, ANYTHING but Parkinsons Disease. They would fix me. They had to. They fixed me when I had encephalitis, they fixed me when I suffered a second bout of meningitis.. my daughter developed cancer.. they fixed her.. They would fix this. They had to.

Finally, I accepted the disease as my fate. I fell to my knees and sobbed til there were no more tears. I was a single mother of 3 children. I had to take care of them. The youngest was only 4 years old. What was I going to do? Then I remembered the woman on the train. My heart almost fell out of my chest. I pleaded with God to make this horrible disease go away. I would not be able to stand knowing my family could suffer so much. OH LORD, COMFORT ME! HEAL ME! PLEASE!

I had to quit working as the disease got worse. I waited for God to lay His hand on my body slowly succumbing to this illness. But, there was no change but for the worse. I married a man out of desperate vulnerability. He became abusive and I prayed and prayed for my marriage. On my 40th birthday, he beat me severely, and I could no longer pray for something so damaging. I divorced.

My children were not accepting my illness. I tried to downplay it to be strong for them and for myself. Then, my oldest daughter had a performance at her highschool. The parents were asked to come onstage with the singers at the end. I could barely stand. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and mouthed.. “It’s ok Mom, I love you.” That night I prayed again for God to please heal me. My children needed a mother. They needed me.

It has been 24 years since my diagnosis. I quit praying for God to take away my illness many years ago. I now pray for Him to show me how to live with it, and lean on Him to keep me strong I have learned so much in these 24 years, that.. yes… I feel God has blessed me with this Parkinsons Disease. It has made me live a life of humility. No time clocks, no deadlines. The things that at one time were so important have become mere memories, as other things that were once taken for granted now are a struggle to achieve, therefore they are blessings when i do. i appreciate so many more things and i value peoples offers of help more than ever before. He is showing me what is TRUELY important.

I am now 50 years old. My daughters are grown, and I have two granddaughters. the oldest grandchild knows Grandma has a health problem and accepts it as part of who I am. She asks me if I am doing the 'weeble wobble today'. We live with the reality of a disabling condition. It has changed who I was into who I am now. And, God is walking right beside me as He guides me through the days I live with it. It is His will that I learn life this way. And, the lessons He teaches are those never to be forgotten. The woman on the train had an opportunity to get to really know who her husband was. Not just the man before the disease.. but the man that he became through the disease. I pray that she found peace.