I walked by the mirror the other day...

I saw someone staring back at me. He looked like me, but it wasn't me...

I looked at him more closely...we could be twins. But, it wasn't me...

I started asking him questions, of the what's, the how's, and the why's...

then, he gave me this evil grin that beat Jack Nicholson's smile in "The Shining"

he told me that I was worthless, he told me I belonged down there, he told me to go back to the hole that I crawled in from.

he told me I am useless, he told me I was a piece of dog turd.

I yelled back at him. I told him it is not true, I told him I will no longer believe that.

he just smirked at me...

I lowered my head...I pondered what he said...

I closed my eyes and tears streamed down my face...I hated to admit it, at that moment, I was agreeing with him completely...everything he's said was true...

what's the use? I asked myself...

at a time when the ones I love need me the most, I just feel like I want to go to my little corner and cower...

at a time when I am needed the most, all I wanted to do, is lay in the bed, and stare at the ceiling and see if I can see the flashes as I blink...

existing seems like such work these days...to exist...in my head, it is hard to grasp...

I am like a silk worm...slowly wrapping that silk around me....I can feel the "pressure" of a hug or a friendly voice...but it is not a direct contact...it is "felt" through this invisible bubble or cocoon that I've wrapped myself in...

I feel like I've let everyone down...there are emails I can't answer, PM's I can't answer.

there are phone calls I can't return, voice mails I can't reply to.

there are cordial conversations thrown at me when I am conversing but all I wanted to do is keep my mouth shut...

I can't even find myself nodding a friendly hi when I am out and about. I wanted to wear a mask so nobody would recognize me...

he was right, that man in the mirror, that look alike, that doppelganger...

cause right before I ran into him, I walked by the kitchen and for NO apparent reason, I just broke down and cried...no, I SOBBED...uncontrollably...

I've been sitting on my hands...I've been hiding my car keys...I've been avoiding the bridges...

and I just wanted to sit in the darkness and stare into nothingness...

he was so right...

and then, I had two choices...highway to hell, or long way to life...

it was that simple...it was that easy...

I looked at him, closely, once again...

I told him to go to hell....

I chose the latter...

I refuse to let him talk to me that way...I told him I know his mind tricks...

I told him I know of his games and his plans...I told him I am going to do everything I can and I am going to beat him, again...just like many times before and many times after....

I told him...he may look like me...but he is NOT me...NOT moi...

now, I am the one smiling...

*based on a true story...

(to my dear friends, I couldn't have done this without your great support...thank you for your wonderful supports...and please bear with me for the time being, that evil man shall pass and I shall return, triumphantly...
and to my dear wife, thank you, for being so patient with me)