((((((Wishful)))))),

If the prozac's gonna work for you, it'll probably take as much as 4 to 6 weeks before you notice a difference. Basically, it levels out your moods. You'll wake up one day and notice that everything is brighter and nicer. It's not a huge change -- just a leveling out.

That STILL leaves all the other stuff there though. Actually, and this is talking from own experience, you're more aware of the bad stuff, because you're not so numb and frozen anymore.

You know what it was like for me -- it was like a jigsaw puzzle. You pick up one piece and look at it really well and put it where it belongs. And a few more pieces fall into place. Then you pick up a really small piece and you notice that there's one place that it will fit but you have to move other pieces to put it where it belongs. It does sort of seem like you're going over the same stuff over and over again.

But, you're not really. Things are starting to fit together and fall into place. That creates a new and different person that you don't really know that well yet. She's the same person, she's figuring out places to put the pain and history so that they're part of experiences that she shares with millions of other people. It takes awhile to shift all that 'stuff' around until you're comfortable with it. It is possible. I've done it. And, it is WORTH IT.

The times when the silent tears show up indicate that you're getting close to realizing something really painful. Those are the times when you have to lighten up your expectations. Acknowledge how far you're come already. Acknowledge what a wonderful woman you were/are to take on the responsibility of parents and siblings. A lot of people in similar circumstances would have walked away. That makes you very special. You gave up a lot to become the family caretaker.

You have to make sure that you allow your SELF the same gentle, loving that you give to others. Tea in china cups. Take yourself to the movies. Take yourself out to dinner -- even if it's only Burger King.

Allow the love and gentleness that you've given to the rest of your family to flow over you and comfort you too.

You need to be at the top of list -- not at the bottom, and not on the last page.

You might be able to get some sort of assistance for your drugs. Take a look at my bookmarks:
Patient Assistance Programs
(press the [page-down] key three times)

You might also want to take a look at clinical trials I was in the clinical trials for prozac about 20 years ago and for duloxetine/cymbalta a couple of years ago. It's free. You don't pay for counseling or drugs. There are other types of therapy besides drugs, also. Behavioral therapies. If you have a long-standing history of depression like I do, you might have developed a 'personality disorder' like I did. There are therapies that teach you different ways of looking at yourself and your life -- ways that make everything easier to understand and to accept.

When you're way down in the bottom of the depression pit, try to get yourself around nature and flowers and animals and trees. Visit a garden shop. Or go to the mall and look at the animals in the pet shop. Or go to the aquarium or to the zoo and visit the animals. Or drive to the beach and sit and watch the waves. Nature and animals and the ocean help you to get your balance back -- they reconnect you with The Universe that you don't feel part of right now.

BIG HUGS. Take care of yourself.

Barb