I think every single one of you has said something that has made absolute sense....
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I let myself feel sorry for myself. I didn't learn that sometimes you just have to go "life is an absoloute &%£"£" and feel sorry for yourself because no one can stay strong forever. It just isn't possible. Sometimes you have to admit how hard this is to live with and what it has done to your life and how it has changed you.
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Last night when I got home from work, I went directly to my bedroom to watch tv as I have been doing all week. I was crying when my SO came up...and he laid down next to me and asked what was wrong...and when I told him I am just so upset that I am not who I used to be, but I feel like a SHELL of myself...a SHELL of the old me. he said, "Don't go there honey...don't feel sorry for yourself. That's exactly what you're doing. If you start that, you're going to go downhill really fast. Be happy for what you have, and don't look at what's wrong with your body right now. We have a great life, a great home, you're still able to work, the kid is better than most teenagers, and we have all of our dogs who love us and we love...so there is a lot to SMILE about, and much less to CRY about. Besides, you have a sexy man, too!"
And I said, "Yeah, but what good is all of this if I can't ENJOY it cuz I hurt so much? What good is all of this if I can't pet and play with the dogs? Or I can't hug my son, or make love to you, or hold the fishing pole on the lake, or sit in the sun by the pond, or help with the housework, or have a hard time folding laundry, or, or, or..." and he basically said not to worry. When i'm having good days, I do participate in all of that. The doctor said once the weather evens out, my pain should even out. But the fact that Michigan can't decide wht the heck it wants to do is really taking a toll on me. One day it will be 70, the next we're getting a rain/show mix and 40 degrees. That really wreaks havoc with the pain. Just getting up an putting my robe on hurts. I have to get up an hour earlier than I would normally just so I can have time for my meds to kick in so I can start getting ready for work. I'm' told to be patient...but I'm TIRED of being patient. How much more freaking patient do I have to BE???? I'll go CRAZY before then!
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In the meantime, take care of yourself. Less *SHOULD DO* and less *MUST DO*. More *WANT TO DO*. Tea in china cups. Soup and sandwiches for dinner. Forget the housework. Grow some flowers or visit a flower shop. Treat yourself **SUPER SPECIAL** 'til you get a handle on this. Then you can ramp down to just treating yourself *SPECIAL*
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For quite a while (perhaps a month???) now, I hven't been making dinner or doing much around the house. My SO's business is seasonal, he doesn't really work much past the end of September, about 3/4 in October, and it REALLY slows down in Nov. So he's been doing a lot of the "around the house" stuff. But he HAS been working SOME, and I've felt terribly guilty cuz he IS still working, and when he's not, he's getting things READY to do a job...so he's outside late - well, til about 9 pm - then he comes in and I'm just so depressed, I've been hiding in the bedroom, laying in bed since 5:30, watching TV or reading, and he ends up making dinner for us. I don't even want to eat...but he makes me. I wish he wouldn't. The med's make me NOT hungry. I'm gaining weight cuz we're eating so late. I'm depressed over that, too. he's afraid to even TOUCH me cuz he thinks he'll hurt me, so you can guess where our sex life is right now. Last night I stopped at this place on my way home from work that I've been eyeballing called entree' vous (check it out! There may be one near you and it's REALLY cool....you dont' have to take a class...you can pick up what they have there, frozen, or call in an order to pick up!)
https://www.entreevous.com/public/ho...348B4A94A4C828 and picked up dinner....we still had to cook it, but it was awesome...but that's kinda how I contributed. It was still WORK for him though. So see....GUILTY!!! I used to do that, and he'd BRAG about my cooking. Now, he brags about the take out I pick up, or I brag about HIS cooking.
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Some days I feel the "I want my life back Blues" as I call them, and they are so overwhelming. I have to let myself cry and hurt, because if I don't I find myself slipping into that horrible place you are describing.
..... grieve for the old life, for the things I've had to give up, for the feeling of life passing me by, for feeling useless and worthless and misunderstood. It really has helped me to let go of the emotional pain. I am not one to cry, and feel like I always have to put my brave face out there for everyone else. In fact I worry more about others feelings than my own!
.....Seems like the majority of them are caretakers, type A's or other types that over extend themselves until they are empty or in pain, or both. Anyway, that description fits me!
....I hope that you will allow yourself to grieve the things that you are hurting over and be okay with that.
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I think you have a GREAT handle on exactly how I am feeling, and EXACTLY what I am going thru right now. I believe this is exactly it. If I were only allowed to cry...allowed to be left alone in my bedroom for a week or so, and just ALLOWED to feel the feelings I want to feel without someone telling me "don't go there honey...think about the good stuff..." But the good stuff doesn't MATTER right now. I know that sounds silly...but it's TRUE. It doesn'tmake sense to anyone but me, I'm sure, but it really DOES make sense to me. The GOOD STUFF DOESN'T MATTER. All that matters is how pitiful I am and how worthless I feel right now. So let me dwell on that for a while and I'm sure I'll be fine as long as I'm allowed to feel it, absorb it, let it sink in, and mourn who I used to be. Can you call my SO and explain this to him? LOL!
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there are ad's like cimbalta that treat pain and depression. ( not saying you need cimbalta..giving an example)
sometimes you have to change if they aren't working enough for you anymore.
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Maybe that's it...but the burning pain is still being controlled by the effexor. Maybe this is just a "phase" - just me mourning my old life. Perhaps waiting and seeing if it will pass is the best option right now. If not, then talking to my doctor will be my next step...
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I was just thinking if the ad is helping with the pain maybe another one is needed for the actual depression..??
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I haven't really been depressed this whole time though...and I've been dealing with either TOS or RSD or both combined for over 7 years. So why now??? We'll see if this is a phase that passes. perhaps that's the best thing to do before I jump to a conclusion that I'm rally depressed.
You guys are ALL totally awesome. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
So...to answer some questions....I've already tried neurontin and lyrica - hated them both. Wellbutrin - I tried that when I was trying to quit smoking years ago and had a HORRIBLE reaction to it - gave me panic/anxiety attacks. Obviously I'm allergic to it or something. I thought I was dying! Heart raced, broke out in HUGE hives, etc. I was terrified! Cymbalta, I've never tried...but one of you said effexor is about the same. I'm afraid to try too many cuz many ad's have se's of weight gain...and if that's a se, I will SURELY get it. Effexor does't have that. I'm at the max of 300 mg's a day, and I take 150 in the am and 150 at lunch time cuz if I take it all at once, it upsets my stomach. I've never had problems sleeping cuz of it.